I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
As I was leaving Wendy’s for lunch yesterday, a young woman was sitting, Indian style, just outside the door. She was on her cell having a loud, uncomfortable, bitch-out session with her boyfriend.
What the hell is wrong with people? And you just know her and the douche on the other end of the phone are going to have ten dumbass kids together.
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else.
John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape.
Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in Bush’s face with its invasion of U.S. ally Georgia.
At least the opening ceremonies freaked out a lot of people. You can pull off quite the scene when you force all your citizens to play their assigned role to perfection.
You’re surfing the Internet in your trailer to see if you can find a payday loan place that’s less crowded than the one in your neighborhood. Then, you get an email telling you that America-hating Obama painted over the American flag on his plane.
Sounds like you should be voting for McCain. He doesn’t have a flag on his plane either, but you’ll never find that out. At least McCain won’t raise taxes on your capital gains, right?
Imagine how cool this country would be if people voted for their interests instead of personality smears.
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone.
Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on.
I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile.
Screw waterboarding. If interrogators use poison ivy on terror suspects, you’d find Osama in seconds. Okay, not seconds, but seconds after symptoms heighten 2-4 days after contact. Do you think poison ivy grows in the Middle East? Sand dwellers would freak at the powers of this mystery plant. USA! Note to CIA: Why haven’t you hired me yet?
Something good will come of this. I will stop being a pissy little bitch about bug bites for maybe a whole week.
Remember how terrible Batman & Robin was? Thanks to Chris Casey for pointing out this nugget: “BATMAN AND ROBIN WORST MOVIE EVER.”
It’s missing from the montage, but my favorite line from that movie was when a police officer used his last breath to point out to the other cops that “Our lungs…(gasp)…are freezing!”
